An open letter

I admit I am a reactionary by nature. I am not proactive, and I rarely take the first step.

Tonight something happened that greatly upset me. What exactly it was isn't the point - however I need to write out a reaction and this culminates some things that have been formulating in my head lately.

As can be seen from the previous posts, I have a clear idea of who I am and where I'm going.

What I didn't say is this.
I am sure of who I am because of a series of events that have shaped me. Those events have made me who I am and while I am not entirely proud of those events, I am thankful every day that they happened.

I know who I am.
I am not a revolutionary. I'm not going to be the one who changes the world in a big way.
I am not someone who lets people go easily.

I am someone who loves greatly and deeply.
I am not someone who tosses people aside.

I am someone who is truthful with my emotions.
I am not someone who can hide what I feel easily.

I am someone who knows what she wants and will go to great lengths to get it.
I am not someone who will fight for a cause she doesn't believe in.

I am someone who believes in helping people.
I am not someone who will leave someone else when they say they don't want me there.

I am someone is fiercely loyal.
I am not someone who will leave happily, or easily.

I am someone who dreams high and long.
I am not someone who will change desire in a short period of time.

I have been criticized for being all of the above at least once.
There are people who believe in fighting to get power, and who will achieve glory. I am not one of those. I have tried and considered it, but for reasons that have made me who I am today I have found that path to be distasteful.
I don't begrudge people that are.

However, I believe and will stand until the end on the fact that compassion, truth and love will always further you and your goals.

There is always more to life than the next goal. There is always more to peace than meets the eye.

The people that I truly admire, and believe in, are ones that have chosen life over career, and happiness over ambition. I make no attempt to hide that.

This is not a condemnation of people who feel differently. This is simply a very personal, and yet very public affirmation of how I feel.

Wow. What a week. Despite it only being three days.

Firstly, a big hello/comment to the knitting people! In particular Anna, Miss Fee and Kris for making me smile this week. And congrats to Kris and Miss Fee on good news (of different types) this week.

This year I've become involved in two really awesome communities, both kinda by accident. I've talked a lot about the Inspire community, but not so much about the knitting community. For me, the knitting community has grown up both through work (to anyone that is one of my 'regulars', you really do make my day!) and the blogosphere. For me, its as simple as a smile or a 'you cut your hair!' which just make me happy.

I don't know if Kris will read this - but its worth other people hearing about an amazing woman anyway.

I first met Kris at my interview for TC. I was 14, had no idea what I was doing applying for a job at an embroidery shop, and was generally kinda insecure. During my interview I was bombarded with questions such as 'how many days old do you eat Krispy Cremes?'. I figured then that I had found a cool place to work.
Kris has been there as a big sister figure throughout the four years I've worked at TC, and has made me smile the whole time. From my very first day when someone at the lunch shop thought we were sisters, to being taught how to use the website, I've been really privileged to work with a clever, happy and all round amazing person.
Kris leaves next week to go to a new job - and that isn't something I begrudge her in the least. The fact that she stayed at TC for as long as she has amazed me, and I know she'll go far doing what she was actually trained in (web stuff :P)
So web-goddess, thankyou.

Although I'm not religious, Easter seems to me to be a good time to pause and give thanks and be happy.
Other happy moments of this week include:
Getting on to the RO forums and realising lucky I am to be part of a community like that.
An intense, but good week at work where I feel I achieved something.
An over all happy and more beneficial relationship with le chat (who actually won't let me use his name on the blog - security freak!)
Lots and lots of knitting achieved! (check out me on ravelry for details)

Hope everyone has a really good easter

Hi 30 year old self.

What's life like this side of my twenties?
Did I end up with le chat?
Am I the CEO of Inspire?
Have I made a difference to people's lives?
When I thought I'd beaten the black tiger cubs, did I? Or did it get bad again?
Did I ever resolve those attachment issues?
Do I have kids?

I'm 18. Here's where I want to be at 30.

- Married or in a long term relationsihp
- Have a PhD/double degree and masters in something snazzy
- Helping young people in a significant way
- Happy
- Having helped my younger siblings get through/reach adolescence with no serious downsides
- Having supported my family when they need me
- Having trained as a lifeline counsellor and helped people
- Having travelled to at least 5 different countries

Here's 25.
- An undergraduate degree, working on or having done a masters/phd
- Significant amounts of work exp in the mental health field
- Living out of home (preferably in another country)
- A better sense of who I am
- Being about to graduate from Inspire, having made a serious contribution to the reaching of the 2012 goals and creating awareness of how they can help mentally ill young people
- Having worked with Inspire both here and in the US/Ireland
- Having a good network of people who I can rely on, and who rely on me
- Having had no one around me die/being hospitalized because of mental illness
- Still knitting/having craft as a significant thing in my life
- Having travelled to at least another 2 countries

Here's 19.
- Having seeing China, Mongolia and Russia successfully by myself.
- Having completed a first 9 months as a YA
- Having adjudicated kids in high school debating with no major dramas
- Having not had a significant mental 'episode' for the past 6 months
- Having worked a successful year at TC and being proud of that year.
- Having supported my family through the challenges that we are/will be/might face during the year
- Being able to look back over the past year and be confident that I spent it as best I could

Here's 18 and 6 months (two and a half months away)
- Having taken significant action as a YA and spread the Inspire dream to at least ... 30? ... more people
- Being confident as to what is happening with myself and le chat
- Be on my way to a fantastic month in Russia

Okay.
Not what I intended, but useful none the less. They are not resolutions per se, but definetly goals and things I know I can/need to achieve.

Vienna

Slow down you crazy child, you're so ambitious for a juvenile...

Goes the song 'Vienna' by Billy Joel. Its my mother's song for me, and my teenage years.
Its my 'slow down, don't worry' song.
You're so ahead of yourself, you forget what you need

That's me.
This year is supposed to be a year off. So far its been the year of realising I can't take a year off, even if I try. For some reason I thought that I'd actually be able to not stress with no external pressures.
Take the phone off the hook and dissapear for a while

Attachment issues? I've got them!
I want it now, and I want it all now. I want the white wedding, and I want the guy who's going to be with me forever.
Happily, or unhappily depending on how you look at it, I'm the only person I know who feels like that.
I don't like waiting. If I can't find the perfect guy/life/job I'll try creating him/it.

So my question for today is when do you give up? Do I accept my own 'limitations' or pretend they aren't there?
Do I accept his limitations? Or do I keep working to try and perfect them?

I'm 18, and I'm supposed to be relaxing. I try, I really do. I sat down and knitted today. And I got myself to the point where I was suicidal with boredom. To any future employers reading this - try that. She's suicidal when bored. So either I'm a complete psychopath, or a workaholic. I think I'm a combination of the two.

Last year, I wrote a short story for school - one of my major works. I think it was really what kept me sane - relationship problems? Make your main male character a barstad. Evil parents? Give your main character a whinge about restrictions placed on her life. I like escapism.

That main character, Lottie, is more or less me. Or me in a different set of circumstances.
Hmmmmm

I love how writing gets me thinking.

A person who will be henceforth known as 'le chat' on the blog asked me to update. Because le chat is being nice to me once again demands shall be recognised.

Except I don't have a lot to update with.
Inspire is still flavour of my month round here.
Knitting is going nowhere with projects I can't talk about because they are for people who might read. I really need more time! (Or just to actually bring the correct needles with me when I move from one parents house to another....)
Work was horrendous last week, but this week will hopefully be better.
Its easter soon - which will practically mean sitting knitting for an entire weekend. Possibly with going to the easter show... will have to contact sister...
However, hate going to the easter show without a significant other. Frankly, for me its about the crafts but for everyone else it seems to be about winning over sized toys for a teenager person... (grrr)
Love life is sorted. And le chat will not be getting the answers he wants on this blog.

So all is good.
I have work today. Hence shortness of post. Damn trains :P

Thoughts

So it's been a while since I've written. Possibly long enough for no one to read this.

A lot of things have happened since I last posted - many of which I'm not about to post here. Except in a veiled way... which I have to admit I like to do.

I've had the oppourtunity to think a lot about waht I want out of life, and how I'm going to get it. What are my priorities, and how do other people change them.

I had it all planned it out. It wasn't perfect, but I think I'd resigned myself to the fact that it wasn't going to be. Yes, at 18 I'd compromised. The guy was 'nearly' perfect, the way of life was different to how I'd seen it before, but it was going to be my life. I had it all set out.
And then, as its apt to do, life somersaulted on me. And I'm kinda glad it did.
That life is now not a possiblity. Doesn't help that I still dream of it, but its not a possiblity. And, 90% of the time, I'm glad of that. I've got my own way back.

However, that doesn't leave me any more solid on where I wanted to be. Except for the last week.

I had the opportunity to attend a conference for a very amazing organisation, the Inspire Foundation. I've only briefly been involved with Inspire before, but this blew me away. For those who don't know, they are the powerhouse behind Reachout!,
Actnow! and Beanbag (don't know that weblink).
In short, I knew they were brilliant people before I attended. I didn't realise how amazing though.
After the first three days of last week, I now have a new direction. I don't know exactly how I want to be involved in that organisation, but I know that I'm going to do something with them. Its reaffirmed where I want to be (aside from university for the next 4 years).
It has also given me reason to tell those little black tiger cubs the boot.

One of the people involved in Inspire that is worth mentioning is Kerry Graham. To give you some idea who she is I've copied her bio from the inspire website:

Kerry Graham

Kerry is Inspire’s Chief Executive Officer. She has degrees in arts, law, social work and management (and yes – she likes to have challenges in her life!). She has worked in the non-profit sector for 10 year across children’s courts, drug and alcohol rehabilitation, youth services and management. She has a particular interest in working with and for young Indigenous people. Prior to Inspire Kerry worked for Good Beginnings Australia, the National Aboriginal Sport Corporation Australia, and a number of Aboriginal legal and youth services. Kerry was drawn to Inspire because of the focus on the positive impact of change young people can create - whether it be individual, community, social or global! In her spare time she likes to cook, camp, swim and play guitar (preferably all on one idyllic weekend!).

Kerry made this week one of the best of my life. Not only is she a brilliantly intelligent, vibrant and inspiring person, she's also a lovely person who really made the effort to talk to me and made me feel as if I was there for a reason and I'm special. I would be happy if I could have achieived half of what Kerry has done in the next 20 years, and I'm fairly sure I can.

Today I've also had reason to evaluate this sort of idealism, and where its going to lead me. Someone in my life has made the choice to leave my life, and that makes me very sad. They have very valid reasons, and they have made the choice to pursue a career and what matters to them over friendship. To anyone who knows me, you would have an idea that this saddens me greatly. The people I admire most in my life have always chosen people over ambition, love over success and to have someone I'm very close to make a choice that is so fundementally against what I love and admire makes a choice like that is hurtful. Not because they are directly hurting me, but because I thought I was good at associating with people who didn't hurt me :S

Its just another step in life's journey, its just another lesson. One of my favourite quotes I heard this week was:
Mistakes are like pebbles. One in your shoe is annoying, but put together they make a pretty good road.

I've always liked pebbled roads :)